How To Keep Your Genius From Being A Jerk Pt 2

Our kids are going to screw up.  We screw up.  Everyone screws up.

With sensitive, but strong willed, young Outliers, how do we make sure we are bending the will and not breaking it?  The Debrief.

After little Johnny has been caught, say, hitting his sister, Big Three Discpline must ensue (the "I am not kidding, this was a REALLY BAD THING" layered discipline.).

So little Johnny is immediately(!) jerked up from his seat.  He is asked why he hit is sister (because sisters can be sneaky and she might have pinched him first ;) ).  If he was just in a snit because she would not give him the toy she had, he is marched to his room.  He is informed that hitting is one of the Big Three (which you have already gone over) and not tolerated at all.  He will be in time out for, say, 30 minutes.  Plus no tv time.  Plus he does not get to go play with his friends today.  Then you leave him to think.  Your tone is not screaming or derisive, but firm and no-nonsense.

30 minutes goes by and you go into his room and sit down on the bed.  Your tone is now sober and serious, but quiet--this is the beginning of the Debrief:

You:  Are you ready to talk about it now? (serious tone.  If he is still angry, then say "Look, we can talk about this but you have to calm down first.  I will be back in ten minutes to see if you have control yet").

J:  Yeah xsifflex

You:  So why did you hit your sister?

J:  that's MY TOY!!  I asked nicely and she said no!

You:  So you hit her.  Are you ever allowed to hit your sister?  What is the house rule?

J: no.  I can't hit my sister

You:  That's right because if you hit her again, the punishment will have to be EVEN LONGER.  Did you like this punishment? (this is reinforcing that his choice of bad behavior will have ever increasing consequences, just like our judicial system has or demerits at work do).

J:  No, I don't like this. 

You:  Yeah, it's not fun not being able to play with your friends and having to sit in your room.  So what should you have done?

J: I dunno (he is either telling the truth or is being stubborn because he does not want to bend his will...he still needs to simmer, so leave and have him think about it.  If he is telling the truth, because kids do forget or have trouble saying what they know, then help him find solutions)

You:  Ok, how about coming to me if she will not give you the toy?  What about waiting your turn and playing with something else?  What about making a trade?  Those are all good options, which is your favorite?

J:  I could try to trade with her.

You:  That is a GREAT idea!  Now, she might not be re3ady to trade, so then what do you do? 

J:  Go tell you?

You:  Yep, that is a great idea too.  But what are you NOT going to do?

J: I'm not going to hit my sister.

You:  Good, I am glad! (BIG smile!  He learned!  Reward it!)  Now, I know that this was just a one off thing--you are a good boy.  I know that it is hard to control our temper, but you can always come to me and I can help you.  Let's go apologise to your sister and we will put this whole mess behind us, ok?  (big smile, big hug, big encouragement.  This reinforces that he has a choice, he has you to go to if he starts getting overwhelmed AND prevents shame by your confidence in his ability to choose well.)

The Debrief is one of the most useful tools we have found for directing the will of Little Outliers.  It reinforces the rules, has the child walk through possibile options for better problem solving, it is clear in letting the child know that discipline will only increase unless better options are chosen, but it also soothes the heart with hope and assurance.