How To Keep Your Genius From Being A Jerk Pt 1

Young geniuses. So smart. So asynchronous. Like mini thunderstorms in denim overalls.

Any discussion regarding how to raise the Capable Genius will almost certainly work its way around to managing the strong emotions that these kids have. There is a general sense of helplessness and enabling. "I don't know what to do!" and "Well, that is just part of being a genius--overexcitabilities, you know. He has to be allowed to be himself. If we try to change that, he will lose his 'sparkle'".

We have raised two Capable Geniuses, plus having been them ourselves, so I would like to offer what worked for us and seems to work across the board.

First we have to understand what we are dealing with. Genius or simpleton, the human will is the human will--it wants what it wants when it wants it. All sentient humans have this one trait in common. Even compliant humans have a will, it just is a will that wants to please others. It is still rewarding to them.

But here is the thing: the human will is generally the basest part of the human. It is the grouchy two year old who wants candy now. We can't let that go in ourselves or in our kids. We have to be firm with ourselves and with our kids. Otherwise marriages, jobs, relationships, bank accounts, and insurance rates all suffer.

This is what we have done and it seems to work. Starting from toddlerhood, we had our "big three": dishonesty (lying, stealing), cruelty (hitting, bullying, hurting on purpose), and defiance (deliberately going against our rules, especially to "assert independence", such as my dd looking me square in the eye after I told her, as a toddler, not to touch an electrical box, and putting her hand deliberately on it).

These were met with swift and sure discipline. No doubts that these were absolutely not tolerated. Period. We layered discipline: smacking your sibling got you spanked AND time out AND no tv time. Yes it was miserable and unpleasant--that is how people learn self control--by understanding the consequences are more umpleasant than not giving into their will.

Remember, refusing your will feels bad--no one wants to tell themselves no. There is "pain" in denying yourself the chocolate cake. But if you knew that the chocolate cake woud make you instantly violently ill, you would find it a lot easier to say no to. That is what we did with our kids: took away any reward from giving into their will and replaced it with discipline. Not abuse. Not cruelty. Just a serious amount of discipline that lasted long enough to sink in to their little wills.

Now, we also explained that confession before we "found out" is much better. We also could tell when someone just "popped off" a lie--that instant where you immediately lie and then want to immediately confess. These were met with discussion and understanding of the instinct to "pop off" as long as the immediate (as in a few seconds) result was for the child to say "wait, that was not true".

No one lost their "sparkle" by not being allowed to hit, lie, tell a parent he hates them, etc. Those are lessons that your child must learn to avoid things like jail, drugs, running out into the street, unhappy marriage, etc.

We were pretty strict about that. We were also pretty strict about morality issues, such as what movies they could watch when, etc.

These are issues of the will, which needs to learn appropriate rules. Our wills want to do what feels good, which often is selfish and hurts others.

There are a lot of "oopses" that happen--kids forget to brush their teeth, they spill milk, they get tired and grouchy. Those were met with appropriate discipline (usually just cleaning up the mess and admonitions).

However, we greatly encouraged their hearts and spirits and minds. If they wanted to tell me something, I tried to put my attention on them if I could. We encouraged them to explore, to feel for others, to do kind things, to help. We encouraged them to work through problems and seek exploration of ideas. We bought what we could for their hobbies and interests and engage them often in whatever they want to talk about. We bonded as a family when my sweetie played funny songs from his playlist. We treated their opinion as valid--even asking their thoughts on painting a room color or where to live.

We delight in fun and hobbies and bonding and calmness. We pray and listen to spiritual songs and talk deep into the night. We praise their good efforts, and support when they struggle. We treated them as young citizens, responsible for the welfare of others, including the welfare of the immediate family.

Now, we are not perfect. I just gave you a montage of times we, thank the Lord, did things right by the kids. There were many times that we ...ahem, I....royally messed up.

What we have now are strong willed children whose wils have been directed, pointed, like a firehouse, into fruits of the spirit and engagement of the mind, and labor of the body, and generosity of the heart. We flubbed a lot, honestly, and we have had our days where I was convinced we were messing things up. But the kids are 19 and 16 and are "young adults" instead of "teens". I know the job is not over, but navigating childhood, particularly young childhood, is where a lot of the foundations for training begin.

So, expect, no, demand, appropriate behavior that keeps the kids from dishonesty, cruelty, or overt defiance--those bad behaviors never helped anyone. But in all other areas, be relaxed and open and engaging and excited with your children, praising and encouraging the behaviors that are wonderful.