How To Keep Your Genius From Being A Jerk Pt 2

Our kids are going to screw up.  We screw up.  Everyone screws up.

With sensitive, but strong willed, young Outliers, how do we make sure we are bending the will and not breaking it?  The Debrief.

After little Johnny has been caught, say, hitting his sister, Big Three Discpline must ensue (the "I am not kidding, this was a REALLY BAD THING" layered discipline.).

So little Johnny is immediately(!) jerked up from his seat.  He is asked why he hit is sister (because sisters can be sneaky and she might have pinched him first ;) ).  If he was just in a snit because she would not give him the toy she had, he is marched to his room.  He is informed that hitting is one of the Big Three (which you have already gone over) and not tolerated at all.  He will be in time out for, say, 30 minutes.  Plus no tv time.  Plus he does not get to go play with his friends today.  Then you leave him to think.  Your tone is not screaming or derisive, but firm and no-nonsense.

30 minutes goes by and you go into his room and sit down on the bed.  Your tone is now sober and serious, but quiet--this is the beginning of the Debrief:

You:  Are you ready to talk about it now? (serious tone.  If he is still angry, then say "Look, we can talk about this but you have to calm down first.  I will be back in ten minutes to see if you have control yet").

J:  Yeah xsifflex

You:  So why did you hit your sister?

J:  that's MY TOY!!  I asked nicely and she said no!

You:  So you hit her.  Are you ever allowed to hit your sister?  What is the house rule?

J: no.  I can't hit my sister

You:  That's right because if you hit her again, the punishment will have to be EVEN LONGER.  Did you like this punishment? (this is reinforcing that his choice of bad behavior will have ever increasing consequences, just like our judicial system has or demerits at work do).

J:  No, I don't like this. 

You:  Yeah, it's not fun not being able to play with your friends and having to sit in your room.  So what should you have done?

J: I dunno (he is either telling the truth or is being stubborn because he does not want to bend his will...he still needs to simmer, so leave and have him think about it.  If he is telling the truth, because kids do forget or have trouble saying what they know, then help him find solutions)

You:  Ok, how about coming to me if she will not give you the toy?  What about waiting your turn and playing with something else?  What about making a trade?  Those are all good options, which is your favorite?

J:  I could try to trade with her.

You:  That is a GREAT idea!  Now, she might not be re3ady to trade, so then what do you do? 

J:  Go tell you?

You:  Yep, that is a great idea too.  But what are you NOT going to do?

J: I'm not going to hit my sister.

You:  Good, I am glad! (BIG smile!  He learned!  Reward it!)  Now, I know that this was just a one off thing--you are a good boy.  I know that it is hard to control our temper, but you can always come to me and I can help you.  Let's go apologise to your sister and we will put this whole mess behind us, ok?  (big smile, big hug, big encouragement.  This reinforces that he has a choice, he has you to go to if he starts getting overwhelmed AND prevents shame by your confidence in his ability to choose well.)

The Debrief is one of the most useful tools we have found for directing the will of Little Outliers.  It reinforces the rules, has the child walk through possibile options for better problem solving, it is clear in letting the child know that discipline will only increase unless better options are chosen, but it also soothes the heart with hope and assurance.

The Long Dark Teatime Of The Soul

We want to tread carefully here.  Understand that this is one perspective from someone who is not a licensed psychologist but who has experienced existential depression, as most, if not all, Outliers have. 

If you are depressed for whatever reason, please seek help.  It is not in my power to evaluate you.



Douglas Adams pegged, if unintentionally, the feeling of existential depression with the title of his book "The Long, Dark Teatime Of The Soul".  Unlike demoralization from a traumatic event ("No, really, that sucks.") or regular, anger turned inward depression ("There is nothing really wrong with my life.....I just don't feel happy and everything aches"), existential depression is more like understanding the enormity of existence and what falls short in it and not working toward a goal.  It is like a mid life crisis that can hit as early as age 4 and sometimes every. freaking. year.  after that.

But the good thing is that, unlike a death in the family, which you cannot change, or depression that has no apparent cause, existential depression has both cause and cure.  But we have to work for it.

Consider the Star Trek Voyager episode Latent Image.  The Doctor had to choose which life of two critically injured crewmen he would save.  Both had the same chance of living if he tried to save them, both were certainly going to die if he did not attend them.  When he made a choice, he knew it was choosing to let the other crewmate die.

This created a feedback loop between his cognitive and ethical subroutines. He spun himself into the ground.  Twice Janeway ordered his memory erased but then realized that perhaps he needed to walk through this process.

The thing about Outliers is that we see so much.  We understand much.  Our brains can hold much.  We often can see how things can be better, but we also often can see the failures in ourselves and in the world.  When our "cognitive subroutine" ('We/people/the world can do so much better') meets our "ethical subroutine" ('We need to do something, but what?  How can we fix everything that is wrong?  Where do we start?  What do I choose as a career?  Am I making a difference?  Why won't people just stop being jerks to their dogs?', etc)  we end up in a tailspin of stress and drama.

Here are a few tips for getting out of existential depression:
1)  Realize the world is not going to be perfect, but a lot of it is good, beautiful, even excellent.  It is right to focus on the good, the beautiful, the honorable, the excellent...it's even in the Bible.  It literally adjusts the chemicals in your brain so that you have gumption and clear thinking to fix the rest.  You know how it is:  if you are in a good mood, you will try and work.  When you are in a bad mood, you just want to veg and eat.  Keep yourself in a good mental place so that you can work the problem.

2)  Realize that your perfectionism is trying to force a round peg in a million square holes.  You do not have to fix everything.  You are not even supposed to.  No, really.  You are not supposed to fix everything.  It is illogical to even consider that, but it is hard when we see suffering not to want to go be everybody's everything.  But that is a job reserved only for God. 

Now that we don't have to be perfect, we can be good.

3)  Realize that difficulties often make people stronger.  You are stronger for the trials you have had, not because you had everything perfectly.  What this means is that if something cannot be fixed right then, let the Lord do the work and just be a good support buddy.

4)  Realize that the Lord knows what is going on and has everything under control.

5)  Realize that you have a sphere of influence and it is not the size of the Earth.  Or even a county.  Or even a city block.  You do not have to fix everything, and especially not today.  Your purpose is to love God and love people.  Every task, hobby, goal, thought, supper, etc should be focused on those two purposes with thankfulness, trust, rational thought, and love.

6)  Don't dismiss the Butterfly Effect:  you have more influence than you know.  I know a woman who bakes and took a loaf of bread to a friend, just because.  Many years later, that friend mentioned that that small gesture inspired her to bake bread and take it to a new neighbor.  Now, I don't know if that new neighbor carried on the tradition or not.  What I know is that one woman's offhand deed, not meant to be "SPECIAL" or "EPIC" or "ASTOUNDING" rippled through at least two families.  If you have any interest in theoretical physics of time and action within time, just stop for a moment and imagine the pattern of acts of love and goodness and kindness rippling through the universe.

7) Realize that you are not the only thread in the cloth, the only ant in the hill, the only star in the constellation.  You are one of a group of humanity--do what you can and encourage others to do what they can and that will be good work.

8)  "To See The Need Is To Hear The Call"--but only if you have the ability to do so.  I would love to, for example:  stop sex trafficking, eliminate cheating in the NFL, keep my neighbors from scrapping, feed the hungry in my community, and assist all Outliers everywhere. 

Now, in each of those, I have varying levels of influence.  I pray for my neighbors and if I can catch him sometime when things are cool, I can strike up a conversation.  I can learn about sex trafficking, but since I don't travel or are places where I would be on the scene where I could rescue anyone, I can donate to those who are working the problem.  I can't do much about the NFL cheating except not support those teams.  For the hungry, I can join the Society of St Andrew, which gleans fields for food for the hungry, and I can donate at the store when asked.   I can write this blog and hope Outliers are led here and are assisted. 

So make a list of the most important problems to solve and decide what you can do.  Assign your work a number value.  For example, I can only give about a 0.3 to the NFL thing.  But I can give a good, solid 5 to the hungry and an 8 or more to helping other Outliers.  This will help you see that your work matters.

9)  See if your problem is more centered on self--not as far in your career, not as famous, not as rich or whatever.  In that case, it really helps to look at the big picture of what your purpose on earth is.  Is it actually to "be famous"?  Or is it to do good work?  Who are you trying to impress, and is it the right person?


If you are overwhelmed with the enormity of everything on earth that is wrong, you of course will get depressed.  Only the most clueless or heartless wouldn't.  The thing is to use that long, dark, teatime to think, to pray, then to DO.

Be The Avenger

X-Men.  Avengers.  The Doctor and his Companion....so many fabulous "fringy" folk who, like us, have extraordinary qualities. 

Now granted we can't fly or walk through walls, but we can invent tech that may allow us to do either.

Here is where a lot of Outliers get stuck though:  they live so much in their imagination that they do not actually WORK to become what they imagine.

It honestly is easier to dream and cosplay.  I totally get that.  And both dreaming and cosplay are awesome.

However, it is vital that we take stock of what we can do and DO it.  For example, I have a particular fondness for Sherlock (BBC, thank you very much) and Doctor Who.  I can watch someone be a consulting detective OR I can be a consulting detective.  I can watch someone play with time OR I can actually start trying to play with time myself (theoretical physics).

Frankly for too long I just imagined, pretended, dreamed.  It occurred to me that I was wasting my life watching other (fake) people have a life.  It was time for me to DO, so I started DOing.

Young Outliers, particularly, need good role models, which many of the superhero franchises provide.  However, they also need to be encouraged to actually, you know, do stuff.  Save the city.  Invent the suit.  Cure the ills.  If they want to dress up whilst they figure out how to stop the flooding, they are my favorite.

In any case, though, we Outliers need to make sure we use our imaginations to propel us forward into good work, not to hide from the real suffering and ideas that needs us to be real heroes and do-ers.

Who do you identify with?  What can you DO to start being that hero?



**Now, you Outlier writers and artists....obviously you live in your imagination to do your work.  Just make sure you a)run your imagination, don't let it run you b)don't let your imagination mess up your relationships, mind, and spirit  and c)put stuff out there.  Don't just imagine the book, WRITE the book.

Testing and Assessment

At some point, either because you see signs of Outlier in yourself or in your child (or someone else does), the question of testing might come up.  A school might offer testing on site (eh, we don't recommend that--too much distraction in a room with other kids and you want as accurate as you can get).  You may choose to go to a private psychologist.  You might be tempted to try one of those online ones (don’t, they are invalid).

Here are some things to consider:

1)  An Outlier brain is not a normal brain.  It processes differently, experiences differently.

People need to be assessed, not just tested.  A good assessor will know, for example, that Outliers tend to have very slow processing speeds (perfectionism) and would not allow that to artificially depress the IQ score.

To that end, get an evaluator that specializes (yes, SPECIALIZES) in Outliers.  It takes a bit of work, but it is worth it if you can find one.

2)  A “2E”  kid (or adult) will have incredible coping skills for their weakness.  However, a simple test will not be able to differentiate between “Normal IQ” and “High IQ that is able to compensate for, say, dyslexia”.  A good evaluator should know to test IQ in the morning when the brain is fresh, and for exceptionalities such as dyslexia, etc in the afternoon after the brain is wearied and has trouble compensating.  You want an accurate picture of strengths and weaknesses.

3)  A child will never test higher than they really are.  They cannot “guess” their way higher.  However, they can test lower than they really are.  This is important to note if the test scores and the behaviors are not matching up.  Illness, anxiety, grouchiness, a poor fit with the evaluator, all can contribute to a lower test score.

4)  The standard test that is used today, the Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children, is very good at evaluating most of the intelligence spectrum, particularly the lower to middle.  However, it does have a “ceiling”—meaning a child can be smarter than the test will show.  In fact, Wechsler himself said that his test was not meant for the higher end of the spectrum.  They have made changes since the first iteration, but it is something to consider.  You might consider going to an outdated, but still useful, Stanford-Binet long form.  We did not with our Outliers, but it is an option.

5)  It is important that your child be tested, particularly if the child is showing signs of brilliance and/or signs of struggle that are causing him or her difficulty in class--unless you plan to homeschool.  If you are going to homeschool, then you can move at whatever pace the child needs:  fast, slow, and sometimes both.  We have mentioned a particular Outlier who, as a child, did not read until she was 8.  Soon after, she was able to skip three grades in English.  She was homeschooled and therefore there was no stigma of late reading nor battles with the DoE over grade skipping.

6)  A child who is brilliant will not always get A’s in class.  In fact, a child might get all F’s.  Do not allow administrators to say “Obviously he is not gifted, or his grades would be better.”.  Bad grades can be caused by a myriad of reasons including:  learning or processing struggles, emotional struggles, motivational struggles, or a desire to buck the system.

7)  It can be unnerving to get your child tested.  It will seem like a reflection on your ability to raise children (it's not, anymore than their shoe size is a reflection on your parenting).  You might be disappointed because your child did not score well (don't be, they have their specific traits to do the work they were made to do.  Remember, this is merely a position on a bell curve, not a statement of worth.)…..or because they did (don't be, this is who the Lord made them to be).  You might feel overwhelmed (yep, that's ok).  Your child might feel disappointed if they did not do well, or upset if they did--help them understand that their IQ is like their shoe size:  just a number that helps them find the best educational fit for their brain (like a shoe size helps them find the best fit for their foot).  Seek out resources if your child is an Outlier such as the SENG Website

8)  Having more than one child can increase the complexity—do you tell the children what their scores are?  What if there is one that scored significantly higher than the other?  We told both their scores, emphasizing their individual strengths, but they were old enough and mature enough not to make it a battlefield.  Additionally, do not forget that someone can score lower than they are.

9)  Scores do not equal success.  Really, they don't.  A high IQ means only that:  a high IQ.  It does not guarantee success, struggle, emotional issues (or lack thereof), good grades, or anything else.  It is just a piece of information.  How successful the child is depends on the child and the environment, no matter what the IQ score is.  There have been many more extremely successful people with normal IQ’s than extremely successful geniuses.

10)  No matter what the score is, your child is still your child and still precious, unique, and has a very special place in this world to do good things.  If  your child is not an Outlier, that is fine--it would just get in the way of their true calling. 

For example, I am not talented in basketball--it is not my calling.  If my folks forced me to try to be something I was not, then that would interrupt the pursuit of my true calling. 

Let me restate:  If your child is NOT an Outlier, then that is actually good news for them as it would get in the way of their true calling.  Their true calling does not require them to be an Outlier, and it would actually mess them up.  If they are an Outlier, then that is part of their calling.  If they are not an Outlier then that is not part of their calling in life.  It makes no difference either way, what is important is that they are nurtured to find the path THEY are supposed to follow.

Shall I emphasize that again?  It really needs to stick.  You got it?  You sure?  Ok.

Feel free to ask any questions about assessment.  If we don't have the answer, we can find someone who does.  The only question we cannot answer that we know of is "Who in my area does intelligence testing?".  We have no idea; the world is a big place.  We recommend looking at the Hoagies Gifted Education Page or getting in touch with your local gifted education group (you can generally find them on facebook).

Now, if you know of an excellent evaluator in your area, please list them below.  Thanks.

Sticking The Landing--The Mental Flexibility of Outliers

We talked here about arguing with the neurotypical and others.

Outliers generally have certain traits that differ from the neurotypical that I thought were worth addressing separately.  It is vital to learn what our strengths and weaknesses are, as well as the strengths and weaknesses of others, so that we can manage both well.

Understand that not all Outliers have these in the same measure.  Some traits require self discipline, wisdom, and capability, not just intelligence.  Some Outliers have emotional overexcitabilities that make it more difficult to be logical, while some Outliers have intellectual OE's that make it more difficult to be reasonable.


These enable us to make sounds judgments but also make it very difficult to argue with someone who does not have them.

1)  Thinking Deeply- We (generally) are comfortable gathering data and doing thought experiments.  Our mind is our playground and workshop.  However, for some people, thoughts are uncomfortable, and we need to remember that.  Not everyone literally feels a rush with new thought.

2)  Lack of Fear of  Ideas/New Info-- We understand that hearing a thought does not mean we have to accept it.  We are used to considering and discarding thoughts and ideas.  However, some people have visceral reactions to "new" ideas or thoughts and react in fear or anger.

3)  Tolerating Conflicting Thoughts-- It takes an extremely flexible mind to hold two conflicting opinions or options--it really does.  Not everyone has that ability or even desires that ability. 

4)  Comfort With Ambiguity--That time when the decision is not made, when the data is still being gathered.  It takes a long time to realize that not all human minds are ok with ambiguity. 

5)  Can Extrapolate From Incomplete.--Now, to be fair, we probably are more comfortable with ambiguity because we can extrapolate from incomplete data.  So we choose the ambiguity, knowing we can make an evaluation at any time.  It is imperative for Outliers to understand that not everyone is that flexible.

6)  Tenacity--We can spend a lot of time thinking and discussing when other people are getting weary and just want to move on.   (Anyone who has ever had to argue with an Outlier kid is now shouting AMEN at their screens)

7)  Word Play--Most of us are excellent wordsmiths.  We know the nuances of words and thoughts.  This is often overwhelming to others.

8)  A Bigger Bucket-- We can often understand complex ideas or can walk the dog down a path long enough to seem further outcomes.  Our minds work that fast, but normal minds don't.  They can only see that it makes sense to take one step, when we know that step looks right but will lead to step 12 biting us in the glutes.


So what is our biggest drawback?  I would say it is pride.  Pretty much everyone has pride but when you are used to being the smartest person in the room, you get to assuming you are always correct simply because you have a higher IQ.  That is incredibly flawed.  Consider the Tortoise and the Hare.  The Hare had the ability but he did not use it.  He assumed.  He did not accept that he could lose.  His pride was his downfall.

We need to make sure we are not jerks.  Pride cometh before the fall--truer words were never spoken.  We need to enter every discussion like we can learn something, with the acceptance of the worth of the other person, and be diligent.  Allow them to test our fences without fear--if they are able to break through then we needed a new fence anyway.

One more point on pride--we have to be willing to adjust our paradigms or previous ideas.  Sometimes new data comes across our minds which makes us have to re-evaluate.

Case in point:  I was watching Intervention the other day.  I rarely watch that show.  In this ep, there was an extremely co-dependent family.  The mom was literally taking her daughter to buy drugs.  The father was quiet and let the daughter run wild.  One daughter was the voice of sanity in that family.  The youngest daughter, the addicted one, was a tyrant and demanded her mom and grandmother give her money,  drugs, and let her drive cars.  I was thinking the dad needed to step up to the plate, the youngest daughter needed a knot in her tail, and the mom needed a reality check.  I figured the girl was an entitled brat, youngest kid, spoiled.

Further in the story you discover that the child before the addict was kidnapped from the house at night when there was a babysitter, raped, and murdered.  The addict was born after and a tremendous amount of pressure to fill in the gap for the lost child was placed on her.  Plus she was molested by a relative at age 12 but did not tell anyone because she felt so many people had already suffered because of the loss of her older sister.  Suddenly what honestly could have been a simple case of "Entitled kid and weak parents" (because that does happen--not every story is a tragic one) was a tale of generational guilt and unimaginable pain.

It taught me to make sure to ALWAYS check my pride, get all the data, leave room for new data, and not to make snap decisions.

What Floats Your Boat?

What are you working on?  What gets your motor running?  Share your Outlier projects without fear here....we are truly interested in hearing your stuff.

Computers?  Writing?  Video Games?  Cosplay? History?  Cooking?  Physics?  Math?  Art?  Music?

Don't Be This Parent.

For those pushing and hoping for higher IQ scores for their kids.  Please understand this is not to be cruel, but it is a hefty dose of reality.  Your child is what he or she is and that is enough.


Recently an article came across my desk regarding a woman who had conned and wiggled her son's scores so that he would seem to have a ridiculously high IQ.  She stole someone else's SAT scores, etc.  He was, briefly, a novelty.  She thought she was opening doors for him. 

The child, though, started acting out and crumbling under the pressure of the lie he was being forced to live.

You see, being an Outlier is not a goal that one can achieve.  It is not something one can do or earn.  It just *IS*, like having a specific hair color.  Even if you dye your hair, eventually the roots show.

An interesting note about the hair color analogy:  Redheaded genes are not just about hair color.  It also, apparently, makes redheaded folk need more pain medication and sedatives than blondes or brunettes.  Now, would it make any sense to dye a redhead black and think that would affect the amount of pain medication he would need for a broken leg?  No?  Same thing.  You support "nature" with "nurture" but you cannot change genes in a person by making them something they actually have no genetic basis for.

The dumb thing is that:

a)This woman did not understand at all what being an Outlier really meant.  It is not about scores or worth or job opportunities.  It is about how an organ system (in this case, the whole nervous system, not just brain) in the body works. 

I have a cousin whose dad was a wrestler.  The thinking, when my cousin was small, was that perhaps my cousin would also be a wrestler, but my cousin ended up with the metabolism and speed of a jackrabbit.  He can consume an amazing amount of calories and as soon as he does you can see the sweat start to form on his brow as his metabolism revvs up.  He spends calories like a new lottery winner in Vegas and does not retain any for weight.  He was made a runner, not a wrestler.  And that is ok. 

The woman who tried to bolster her son to look like he had a higher IQ than he did would have been like if my uncle had tried to keep my cousin in a near-hypothermic state to slow down his metabolism so he could gain weight to wrestle.  It makes no sense to force any organ system of the body to do what it really was not capable of doing.  My cousin's body does not receive and process calories like a wrestler.  This boy's nervous system does not receive and process stimuli like an Outlier.  It was a dumb, and tragic, thing to do.  You cannot make your child more capable of processing stimuli.  You can bombard them with stimuli, like flashcards and such, but you cannot make them use that stimuli in Outlier ways.

b)  Besides the brief media stir up if your child is at the furthest end of the bell curve, no one cares if your child is an Outlier--in fact, it often stirs up negative reactions.  It does not win you parenting points.   It was a genetic thing that may have come from you....or not.  Might have come from your spouse or been a fluke or come from a great great great granddaddy

c)  The truth is going to show through at some point.  The boy broke tragically.  He could not sustain the rouse because he was not built for it.  It was like embedding goose feathers under the boy's skin and proclaiming he was the first flighted human.  Eventually he was going to find a cliff he had to jump from, and he was going to plummet and crash.  All because of a lack of understanding of what an Outlier is and the myths and false pride that is linked with the idea of  high IQ.

Why are we harping on this?  Because it is not fair to kids to put this pressure on them.  Their minds are engines that will only go as fast as they can go.  If you have an Outlier, you know that you do not push them to, say, be sensitive to tags in their shirts or wet socks (ugh!), or make them cry at the thought of social injustice in Africa at the ripe old age of 5.  Outlier kids just DO these things, pulling the parents into the Outlier path (shout out to you--you know who you are!), not having the parents push them onto it.

I get it.  We all want our kids to succeed, to have the best in life.  But we cannot do that by making them something they are not.  They can either succeed in what they are born to do or fail in what we push them in.
I feel sorry for the boy.  I actually feel sorry for her too as she obviously is a woman in need of help.  But it bugs the mess out of me that this happened because it did not have to.  If Outlier (gifted) education was not so fraught with emotional connotations that it cannot be discussed accurately (leading her to think she could fake it in her son) and if there was less competition placed on kids, this might have been avoided.

If a child is an Outlier, he needs what my cousin needs:  (mental) fuel to burn.  If your child is neurotypical, he needs what my uncle needed:  a mat (life) to become excellent on.  My uncle has no more worth than my cousin, any more than a runner is any more an athlete than a wrestler, any more than an Outlier has any more worth than the neurotypical.