Sometimes people don't want help. Sometimes people don't want to know. They don't want better. There is much attention given to the bandaid, the virus, the limp.
It is difficult for us to imagine that people might be comfortable in the mire they are in, but it happens. In fact, we would offer that we all do that from time to time. We all love our own beds, even if they are lumpy.
The overweight person hates their weight, but is too comfortable in their eating habits to change.
The resentful person says they to feel peace, but they want to hold onto their resentment more.
The anxious person says they want to get better, but they only do part of the work that is required to do so.
The diabetic says they want to get better, but won't exercise or take their medication.
We ran into a situation like this this week. One of team had the opportunity to assist a group of people with anxiety issues. It was a small group and the subject came up spontaneously. However, the people with anxiety, frankly, blew off our teammate. Politely, but firmly.
We debriefed the situation and came to the realization that, again, sometimes people don't want to get better. Why? Because that would mean change. That would mean losing part of one's identity...and that is the problem.
It is interesting to see what our society uses as a bonding tool. Oftentimes we bond on illnesses. We get a tribe of support together (which is good) to support us during a difficult time (which is fine) but then our illness becomes our identity. We are no longer "an artist....who happened to get breast cancer". We are "a breast cancer survivor" and no mention is made of our talents, our skills, our abilities. We aren't "a scientist....who struggles with OCD", we say "I'm OCD".
Did you notice how, in that last example the disease became a part of the identity? Not "I have OCD" but I am "OCD". Not "I have bipolar disorder" but "I AM bipolar". Even using "xyz survivor" focuses more on the disease than the surviving. If you say "I am a prostate cancer survivor", people don't think about how hard it was for you, they think about your nether regions (seriously, they do). If you say "I am a breast cancer survivor", their gaze will unwittingly fall on your chest. It is still a focus on the disease.
(Interestingly, people don't claim other traumas as their identity. No one introduces themselves as a "Car Crash Survivor" or a "Burn Unit Survivor" or a "Venomous Snake Bite Survivor", even if those things took just as long and were just as excruciating.)
This is a problem. Once you claim anything at all as part of who you are, you make it almost impossible to not be that--whether good or bad. Your psyche does not want to lose part of itself, even the sick parts, the broken parts.
An example.....let's say Jane has just been diagnosed with panic disorder. She joins an online group for those with panic disorder. There she is welcomed with open arms, a fellow sufferer (frankly few men join these types of groups). She gets to "know" other women with melancholy monikers as "anxietyamI" and "troubledbutterfly" and the like. They bond over stories of fear and ambulance rides and "others" who "just don't get it".
Now, that is fine that she sought support. Jane is dealing with a new illness and that can rock your world. People need support during trying times. But what is this group actually supporting? Wellness or bonding in sickness?
Jane, being afraid of the outside world and being supported in a very superficial way, starts spending hours online commiserating and "supporting" other women. Very sweet heart, Jane has.
However, what happens if Jane becomes well? What happens when she can start leaving her house and is perhaps weaned off of meds or the CBT starts working. What happens when she learns coping skills and understands and corrects the faulty thought and breathing patterns that induce panic attacks?
How will she be received in her group of fellow sufferers when she comes back and says "WAIT! We don't have to be this way!"?
She will be ignored by most, attacked by some. She will have accidentally threatened the psyche of those who have been there for a while. Her very comment that it is possible to get better means:
1) We were suffering for nothing.
2) We no longer have this thing that bonded us.
3) We have to take responsibility, as well as can't use our illness to our advantage (think everything from getting out of going to a party to collecting disability).
4) We no longer need a support system and have to do things on our own.
5) We now have to find out a new identity since our illness is no longer "us".
The emotions don't like this. They don't like this at all. The psyche gets very upset when you tell it that it is not what it thought it was. Shaking someone's sense of identity--with the implicit threat that they no longer have a bond with all of the people they shared the identity with--is too hard to take for some, even if it means health and wellness and being truly who they were made to be.
Now, we used panic disorder here, but it could be anything. It could be any chronic illness or injury, mental or physical or emotional. The point is that when we start wearing our problems as a badge of courage, as an identity, we make it almost impossible for our brains to work with our bodies to get better.
Understand that we are not saying to ignore an illness or struggle. We are not saying that it is wrong to find a support system. In fact, we encourage finding quality support groups that are determined to see you well.
We are saying to not let your weakness be your badge, not to identify with your illness--remember, your illness is the enemy, not your friend or even, as many people treat it, as a "frenemy". We are saying that it is vital to keep your identity as an artist, a musician, a construction worker, a lover-of-anime, a writer especially during times when you have to devote a lot of your time to your illness.
Doing It Right
For example, there is a young woman whom we know who has, currently, two chronic illnesses, with a potential third (she has to see another doctor apparently as she still has issues that are not covered by the first two). Her life has been a series of appointments at various hospitals with various specialties from cardiology to rheumatology. She has been on a few drug trials. She has had to get physical therapy and some pretty uncomfortable testing. It would be easy for her to let her illnesses claim her identity because it takes so much time out of each day.
Instead she is starting a business. Finishing college. Being diligent about her medication and appointments. She is letting her core support group support what needs to survive: her strengths and talents and abilities and faith. Some days she can barely manage to get out of bed. She often pays dearly for a day out. But she keeps plowing, unwilling to sacrifice her true self. Her body may never get better, but we see her spirit and her "self" continuing to grow stronger.
Again, we are not saying it is wrong to be sick, to have anxiety disorders, or to seek support groups. We are saying that it is imperative NOT to let your trauma become your illness.
(By the by, have you ever noticed that only certain illnesses get the "Badge of Honor" treatment? We might wear pink ribbons for breast cancer, but we never wear paisley ribbons for, say, pancreatitis. We might wear red ribbons for heart disease, but we never wear green for toenail fungus. We might say "I am OCD" but we never say "I am IBS". There are diseases that are "pretty" enough to be worn as identities and some that aren't, and that should be our first clue not to glorify the illness, but rather work diligently to keep the sufferers from losing themselves in their disease.)
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