Sacrificing Your Self On The Altar Of Illness

Sometimes people don't want help.  Sometimes people don't want to know.  They don't want better.  There is much attention given to the bandaid, the virus, the limp.

It is difficult for us to imagine that people might be comfortable in the mire they are in, but it happens.  In fact, we would offer that we all do that from time to time.  We all love our own beds, even if they are lumpy.

The overweight person hates their weight, but is too comfortable in their eating habits to change. 

The resentful person says they to feel peace, but they want to hold onto their resentment more.

The anxious person says they want to get better, but they only do part of the work that is required to do so.

The diabetic says they want to get better, but won't exercise or take their medication.


We ran into a situation like this this week.  One of team had the opportunity to assist a group of people with anxiety issues.  It was a small group and the subject came up spontaneously.  However, the people with anxiety, frankly, blew off our teammate.  Politely, but firmly.

We debriefed the situation and came to the realization that, again, sometimes people don't want to get better.  Why?  Because that would mean change.  That would mean losing part of one's identity...and that is the problem.

It is interesting to see what our society uses as a bonding tool.  Oftentimes we bond on illnesses.  We get a tribe of support together (which is good) to support us during a difficult time (which is fine) but then our illness becomes our identity.  We are no longer "an artist....who happened to get breast cancer".  We are "a breast cancer survivor" and no mention is made of our talents, our skills, our abilities.  We aren't "a scientist....who struggles with OCD", we say "I'm OCD".

Did you notice how, in that last example the disease became a part of the identity?  Not "I have OCD" but I am "OCD".  Not "I have bipolar disorder" but "I AM bipolar".  Even using "xyz survivor" focuses more on the disease than the surviving.  If you say "I am a prostate cancer survivor", people don't think about how hard it was for you, they think about your nether regions (seriously, they do).  If you say "I am a breast cancer survivor", their gaze will unwittingly fall on your chest.  It is still a focus on the disease.

(Interestingly, people don't claim other traumas as their identity.  No one introduces themselves as a "Car Crash Survivor" or a "Burn Unit Survivor" or a "Venomous Snake Bite Survivor", even if those things took just as long and were just as excruciating.)

This is a problem.  Once you claim anything at all as part of who you are, you make it almost impossible to not be that--whether good or bad.  Your psyche does not want to lose part of itself, even the sick parts, the broken parts.

An example.....let's say Jane has just been diagnosed with panic disorder.  She joins an online group for those with panic disorder.  There she is welcomed with open arms, a fellow sufferer (frankly few men join these types of groups).  She gets to "know" other women with melancholy monikers as "anxietyamI" and "troubledbutterfly" and the like.  They bond over stories of fear and ambulance rides and "others" who "just don't get it".

Now, that is fine that she sought support.  Jane is dealing with a new illness and that can rock your world.  People need support during trying times.  But what is this group actually supporting?  Wellness or bonding in sickness? 

Jane, being afraid of the outside world and being supported in a very superficial way, starts spending hours online commiserating and "supporting" other women.  Very sweet heart, Jane has.

However, what happens if Jane becomes well?  What happens when she can start leaving her house and is perhaps weaned off of meds or the CBT starts working.  What happens when she learns coping skills and understands and corrects the faulty thought and breathing patterns that induce panic attacks?

How will she be received in her group of fellow sufferers when she comes back and says "WAIT!  We don't have to be this way!"? 

She will be ignored by most, attacked by some.  She will have accidentally threatened the psyche of those who have been there for a while.  Her very comment that it is  possible to get better means:
1) We were suffering for nothing.
2) We no longer have this thing that bonded us.
3) We have to take responsibility, as well as can't use our illness to our advantage (think everything from getting out of going to a party to collecting disability).
4) We no longer need a support system and have to do things on our own.
5) We now have to find out a new identity since our illness is no longer "us".

The emotions don't like this.  They don't like this at all.  The psyche gets very upset when you tell it that it is not what it thought it was.  Shaking someone's sense of identity--with the implicit threat that they no longer have a bond with all of the people they shared the identity with--is too hard to take for some, even if it means health and wellness and being truly who they were made to be.

Now, we used panic disorder here, but it could be anything.  It could be any chronic illness or injury, mental or physical or emotional.  The point is that when we start wearing our problems as a badge of courage, as an identity, we make it almost impossible for our brains to work with our bodies to get better. 

Understand that we are not saying to ignore an illness or struggle.  We are not saying that it is wrong to find a support system.  In fact, we encourage finding quality support groups that are determined to see you well. 

We are saying to not let your weakness be your badge, not to identify with your illness--remember, your illness is the enemy, not your friend or even, as many people treat it, as a "frenemy".  We are saying that it is vital to keep your identity as an artist, a musician, a construction worker, a lover-of-anime, a writer especially during times when you have to devote a lot of your time to your illness.


Doing It Right


For example, there is a young woman whom we know who has, currently, two chronic illnesses, with a potential third (she has to see another doctor apparently as she still has issues that are not covered by the first two).  Her life has been a series of appointments at various hospitals with various specialties from cardiology to rheumatology.  She has been on a few drug trials.  She has had to get physical therapy and some pretty uncomfortable testing.  It would be easy for her to let her illnesses claim her identity because it takes so much time out of each day.

Instead she is starting a business.  Finishing college.  Being diligent about her medication and appointments.  She is letting her core support group support what needs to survive:  her strengths and talents and abilities and faith.  Some days she can barely manage to get out of bed.  She often pays dearly for a day out.  But she keeps plowing, unwilling to sacrifice her true self.  Her body may never get better, but we see her spirit and her "self" continuing to grow stronger.

Again, we are not saying it is wrong to be sick, to have anxiety disorders, or to seek support groups.  We are saying that it is imperative NOT to let your trauma become your illness.

(By the by, have you ever noticed that only certain illnesses get the "Badge of Honor" treatment?  We might wear pink ribbons for breast cancer, but we never wear paisley ribbons for, say, pancreatitis.  We might wear red ribbons for heart disease, but we never wear green for toenail fungus.  We might say "I am OCD" but we never say "I am IBS".  There are diseases that are "pretty" enough to be worn as identities and some that aren't, and that should be our first clue not to glorify the illness, but rather work diligently to keep the sufferers from losing themselves in their disease.)

I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt

Sorry for the earworm.

But if we change the word "sexy" to "intelligent" and the word "shirt" to "society", we get a deeply disturbing question:

Can one be too intelligent for others?  Can we be too smart to relate....or actually too smart for others to relate to (because one can stoop a lot further than one can jump)?

There was an interesting tumblr meme on a geeky fb page we follow:






Yes, yes we do.  Of course not all of us Outliers notice whether a leaf is crunchy or not--that would have to do with what part of our shiny little brains are more glowy.

However, the point is that this person never considered the ramifications of the crunchy leaf (or the end of string theory or the wisdom of Augustine).  They simply had no idea that this was a thing--the disappointment of a "crunchy" leaf that is not.  They had not experienced, either, the little rush of a perfectly crunchy leaf.  There is a whole layer of autumn that they had no idea existed, though their feet walked through it every year.

Where does that leave the Capable Genius?  Oh let's not go too far and say there is no way to relate to those around us--engaging in maudlin and erroneous navel staring.  Even if someone is not as intelligent as we are, they could be as athletic or as kind or as spiritual (or more so) than we are.  They might be more artistic or musical.  We can relate to every human in some way (remember, we are not brains in a jar).

And yet, there is this huge part of our existence that others truly do not understand.  That is a lonely feeling and even more, it is difficult to understand what to DO with the mind the Lord gave us.  We can, and should, relate to other people in any way we can--emotionally, mentally, spiritually--but we also need to consider how our brand of genius may be the star, not the flashlight, of our little corner of humanity:  something to guide folk from afar, not something they might be able to hold in their hands.

The Lord created each of us with our own unique set of traits and weaknesses to do our own work.  Even if, at times, we feel that no one understands us, He always does.  We are never smarter than He.  Perhaps this lonesomeness is meant to bring us to a fuller joy in Him, relating to the Creator of more wonder and intellect than we can imagine.

So we worship Him and serve them, and love all.  This, we think, is the best life.

Meet Our Team

Hey, I thought this would be a good time to introduce our team and share their interests and Outlier abilities.

JPL--INFJ, master craftsman, Outlier.  Current focus on coppersmithing, blacksmithing.  Plays with antigrav ideas in spare time.  Our tech guy.

SRS--ENFJ, apprentice craftsman, Outlier.  Current focus on building computers and novel writing.  Our other tech guy.

AC--INTP, wordsmith, archer, profoundly Outlier.  Current focus on faith, philosophy, reason.  Plays xbox in spare time.  Our scribe.

The Col--INFJ, wordsmith, art, exceptionally Outlier.  Current focus on Intelligence Analysis and novel writing.  Our societal commentator.

Our project is not just the four of us, but also includes others who contribute in various ways to our project.  We seek out others-- Outliers and the neurotypical and those who are challenged--as each person, no matter what their abilities, truly has something to offer for the good of all.

Cherry Trees and Poptarts

I have heard three references to "overthinking" in the past week or so.

One of them was an article listing ten ways "you can know if you are an overthinker".

As I read them, though, two distinct patterns of cognition were used to define "overthinking".  The first was actual, decent thought, including attention to detail. 

The second was not thinking at all, but emotional cognition, such as hypochondria.

I think this differentiation is important for Outliers, and others, to understand.  Thinking thoroughly, using logic and reason, paying attention to detail or to the big picture, is not overthinking.  If the thoughts are purposeful, deliberate, and work toward understanding or problem solving or entertainment, that is rational thought.

The other side of the coin, emotional cognition, is when the emotions run the show and the brain frantically tries to keep the emotions at bay OR assists in their unraveling. Obsessive thoughts are emotional cognition--there is no purpose in thinking them except to try to reduce anxiety.

Hypochondria is emotional cognition--fear of the state of one's health eliminates the ability to think logically.  The sniffles are not ebola.

Ruminating over a conversation, replaying the scene over and over (generally berating oneself or stoking the flames of anger against another) is emotional cognition.  The point of rumination is not to solve a problem or correct a situation but serve only to make the thinker miserable.

There is another subset of "overthinking", which is pedantic thinking, which is onerous and serves no purpose.  Correcting to the exact time of the shuttle launch is purposeful--the difference between, say, 1300 and 1304 is a biggie when launching a shuttle.

However, if someone says "It's about 1pm, we should get lunch." and one can't help but say "No, it's 1:04" to stave off the anxiety of "not quite right information" , this is onerous.  It actually is focusing on the bark of a tree instead of trying to evade the forest fire.  The reasons for this are often youth (young children are often fascinated by the idea of exactness...and especially correcting adults) or an anxiety with ambivalence, requiring one to correct "generally correct but not exact" whilst losing the point of the conversation.


Back to overthinking.....



Now, here is the thing: our society is incredibly anti-intellectual.  Thinking deeply and thoroughly is very difficult for many (just like running a marathon is very difficult for myself, so this is not meant as a criticism unless it is deliberate).  When a non-intellectual (NI) hears an intellectual plumb the depths of a topic, perhaps considering the repercussions of a new mathematical concept or the tuning of an instrument or forgiving one's enemy, the non-intellectual sees the thought process as "overthinking"--they do not feel the need for that much thinking, so they chide those who do think. 

Now, sometimes this is meant with the best of intentions.  The NI is earnestly trying to ease the road for the thinker.  The much thinking for the NI would be wearying and angst-producing.  They skim what they need from the top of their existence and let the rest flow by.  If the thinker is actually morosing or ruminating or getting wrapped around the axle, the NI is actually being wise, if not precise, in telling the intellectual to stop.

Sometimes, of course, the intention is not so nice.  The NI might feel threatened or annoyed or is trying to be snarky.

Honestly, though, most of the time it is nothing more than an NI not understanding the actual fun and use of deep, deliberate thinking and are trying to be a good friend.  We have to be patient with the heart of those who do not understand, as they have their own strengths that we might not understand.  We also have to understand when it is useful to share:  it is reasonable to plumb the depths of a topic when, for example, discussing a project with fellow co-workers.  It is not useful when someone says "I have to leave in 5 minutes".  There is a time and a place to SHARE, as well as people who want also to think and dive deeply into a conversation.  But there are some who really aren't into deep thought.

However, let me encourage you who might feel the need to hide your good, thorough, rational thinking.  It does not matter how much time purposeful thinking takes or how many words or ideas that follow.  Thinking with a purpose is not a cherry PopTart--instantly ready and quickly consumed.  It is planting a cherry tree next to a wheat field, taking time and patience, monitoring the "field of thought" for weeds of irrationality, non-productive emotion (emotion is important for a well rounded mind, but it must be in good regulation so it does not spin the mind up into knots of uselessness).  Eventually the cherries of cognition and the wheat of reason ripen to usefulness to be used for a solution:  a well done, healthy, cherry pie.

My point is this:  we do have to analyze our thought processes to ensure that we are not ruminating, or indulging in emotional cognition, or being pedantic.  However, if we are thinking calmly and clearly, trying to understand the mysteries of the universe instead of keeping track of movie stars or car colors, we are not overthinking.  We are thinking, and we don't need to be ashamed of that.

Stuck In The Middle With You....Part Two

We discussed the event that IS the Ambivert* here.

However, some consideration, a little going deeper, might be in order.

What if being an ambivert is that someone is extroverted and introverted, but rather is an introvert with Outlier overexcitabilities?

Thoughts?

*Note, we are using the most basic "definition" of extrovert and introvert for expediency and discussion.  Extroversion/introversion are not necessarily behavior patterns but the way the brain processes and a deeper understanding of Jungian definition of each can be found here.  However, for our purposes, the layman understanding will work fine here.